Saturday, March 29, 2014

#Daddy Issues

The "fatherless home effect" has often been discussed in reference to boys. But the effect that growing up without a father or a positive male influence is just as devastating for girls, if not more so.
Their fathers may have left them, or abondoned them, and of course every situation is different. But the result is always the same. A single mother is then forced to be the sole care giver, the sole provider, and the sole nurturer. Not to mention the fact that she has to take on the role of both mother and father. The latter being virtually impossible due to the fact that there can be no real or sustaining duality. No woman on earth is equipped to be a father. They all deserve an A+ for their efforts but a woman being an effective father is like trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole.
That is not to say that these mother's are at fault for trying to raise their children. But they can only work with the tools that circumstance has left them.
With that being said it is important that we put the word raise, or raising into context.

  1. to move to a higher position; lift up; elevate: 
  2. to set upright: 
  3. to cause to rise or stand up; 
  4. to build; erect: 
  5. to set up the framework of: 
  6. to set in motion; activate: 
  7. to grow or breed, care for, or promote the growth of: 
  8. to serve in the capacity of parent to; rear: to raise children. 
Notice that definitions 6-10 are the criteria that we traditionally apply to child rearing. But definitions 1-5 are just as important, but a little more complex. It is important that as parents we must realize, recognize, and understand that children learn far more from our actions than they do from our words. Examples are extremely important. The fact of the matter is that no matter what we say our children are constantly watching what we do. It is our responsibility to lift our children up, create a strong foundation, and build the proper framework for adulthood.

A young girl who grew up without her father may find it difficult to function or even develop a healthy relationship simply because she doesn't know what a healthy relationship is. This does not make her any less of a woman or a bad woman for that matter, it just means that she didn't have the experience of witnessing a functional relationship in her home when she was growing up. It is extremely difficult for anyone to ride a bike without having first seen someone do it. 
Men and women relating to each other is not intuitive, and it has very little to do with sex. If a girl has never seen her mother love, respect, or work in partnership with a man then how could she possibly have any idea how to relate to a man herself. Far too often her idea of having a relationship equates to having intercourse. She has no idea that sex is a very small part of intimacy, and she has a twisted view of what love is because the man who made her was never around to love her. 
In addition to having been emotionally scarred by her fathers absence, some women have also been emotionally scarred by bitter vindictive mothers who have told scary, hurtful narratives about their failed relationships in the interest of warning their daughters. Although they may have good intentions. These cautionary tales do more harm than good, and they ruin these young girls, who's maturation becomes stunted. As a result, any relationship that they get involved in as adults that has potential becomes an uphill battle. That is not to say that progress is impossible. It just means that in relationships she is at a disadvantage because she doesn't know to to treat, interact, or deal with a man in a healthy way. This void will only be filled, and the wound will only be healed through prayer, soul searching, and recognizing that a problem exists.


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